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Monday, March 15, 2010

Searching

As far back as I can remember.
I have been searching.
Looking for myself.

I am not sure that everyone is like this.

But.

I am a seeker.

Always will be.
It seems.

My friend tells me that if I say
I don't know who I am
It is a good thing.

It means that I am on the right path.

I don't know who I am.

Yet, I am not satisfied with this statement in this moment.

Perhaps the strains of motherhood are taking their toll.

I have lost the joy of just being.
I am broken open.
An empty shell inside.
A void.
No laughter.
No smile.
Just empty.

I have always loved beautiful things.
I am so involved in the daily grind.
I struggle to see the beauty.

Of course reading this, I think I am absurd.

Look.

Look at all the beauty around you.

But.

I just go through the motions.

I long for a moment of pampering.
Where someone is pressing my feet.
Massaging the tension away.
Wrapping me up in a warm, fluffy robe.
Serving me fresh, organic food.
And healing herbal tea.
Where I practice yoga on top of a mountain.

Where there are no demands on me.

Where I can sit with myself.
And no one else.
And have a peek into who I am once again.

We are part of a huge tapestry.
Every thread has a purpose.
I am but a single thread.

I am know that all is meant to be as it is.

So I walk through the discomfort of my life right now.
For it is so.
And that is how it should be.
In this moment.

Right now.


2 comments:

  1. Imagine you are on top of that mountain when you next go to a yoga class. Ask someone you love for a tender and caring massage and see the beauty within your very words! xo m.

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  2. I know exactly what you mean. It is hard to see the beauty when you feel stuck in the daily grind, just getting through each day. Perhaps it would help to remember the things you have written in other posts, that this time will pass soon enough. Or perhaps you need a bit of time, just for you on the weekend, even if it means sacrificing some family time; to be rejuvenated and replenished and find your smile again.

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