Birthday party reflections

My little baby turned two on Sunday.

Our little sunshine.

We had a really beautiful party for him.

Hummingbird cake.

Decorated like the sun by Sohail.

Yellow decorations.

Sunshine inspired food.

Planting of yellow daffodil bulbs.

And a walk around the sun.

Twice.

Only one family was invited.

So as not to overwhelm our little man.

Beautiful, really, it was.

The only problem is that I worked myself to death to make it so beautiful.

I spent the whole morning in the kitchen, making and baking and cooking.

I had just put the pumpkin puffs in the oven when our guests arrived.

And then I entertained.

And my baby boy turned two.

And I missed it.

I missed soaking it all in.

And now it has happened.

And he is two.

And I was super mum.

Because I put up a great birthday for him.

And I have been feeling pretty shitty about myself because of it.

I am always ranting about the mothers who do it all and how it is not possible.

I wrote about it here, just 10 days ago.

Where was my self care?

How was I kind to myself?

I was not.

I was trying to impress...

Me?

My blog?

My friends?

My children?

My children will not thank me for putting up a colour coded birthday party.

Especially if I have not been present enough to actually connect with them.

They will not remember that the pumpkin scones matched the yellow napkins.

They will remember how they felt on the day.

How it felt on the day.

And I want their birthdays to feel warm, loving, nurturing and celebratory.

I was still tired from killing myself for Easter. 

(Do you see a pattern here?)

And Sohail had been working very hard that week.

So he was tired.

And I was tired.

And yet, we put up a colour coded birthday party.

Well, it was my wish, he was very happy to go out and buy some party food, to which I looked at him in shock and horror!

Super mums don't buy the party food.

They bake it all with a smile on their face and not a bead of sweat lost.

I ran into my yoga teacher today.

And I told her how silly I had been because I should know this stuff.

And the universe was perfect, as it always is.

It had set it up perfectly so that we would meet on the day that I needed her words of wisdom.

She said,

"How will you know your limits if you don't do silly things sometimes?"

And I was ok again.

And I remembered that I do have limits.

And that is OK.

I can do it all.

But not at the same time.

We need to do silly things to learn.

Our experience in this life is perfect.

Every experience is here to teach us something.

If we only open our eyes and pay attention.

And we are tested.

Every time we make a commitment to change, we are challenged.

This is good.

It tests our resolve.

And we need not be scared of it. We just need to walk through it.

And make a few more mistakes.

I am not super mum.

I need a few lessons to learn this one.

And that's ok with me.

I am simplifying my life some more.

One day at a time.

Clearing the clutter.

Making way for new experiences.

And clarity. 

I am making space for clarity.

And peace.

And beautiful birthdays.

Blessings to you.